


maybe that makes me a fool

by GiuGiu



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Dave Katz has a last name jeez ao3, Dave is pure, F/M, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, also expect some possible allison/luther at some point, i'm sure more characters will be added as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-29 00:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18216011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiuGiu/pseuds/GiuGiu
Summary: “YOU’RE ALL FUCKING IMBECILES!” Five screams before stomping out of the room. A pen hits him on the back of the head as he storms out.“No. Come back. Wait.” Cha-Cha deadpans without looking up.“Real mature, Diego.” Allison says, flipping off her brother.“Bite me, bitch.”“The fuck did you just say to her?” Luther throws his desk across the room. Like all the way across.Dave can’t believe he has twenty more minutes of this.Basically, it's the obligatory High School AU.





	1. water is wet

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the obligatory, cliche High School AU.
> 
> Hopefully this will end up feeling like Mean Girls+Heathers+Twilight+High School Musical, but we'll see...  
> Also, characterizing Dave is tricky since we know very little about him. I'm going for a soft/aw shucks with some dry humor (eventually) vibe bc I think that will be interesting with Klaus' chaotic wit. 
> 
> Also!! If you have any ideas, please comment! I have a very loose plot in mind and would love to hear your thoughts/ideas :)

“Wait wait wait.” The girl, who had insisted he call her Patch, was making the T for timeout. “Did you just say you have fourth period Biology?”

Dave checks his schedule again. It’s just some scribbles on a used napkin Counselor Hazel had shoved at him this morning.

“Um, yes.” He squints at it, it’s hard to read the smudged writing with the coffee stains and donut frosting. Patch is silent. He looks up at her. He had only met her a few hours ago, but he was pretty sure the face she was making is not a good one.

“Okay, crash course time.” She starts walking down the busy hallway, Dave follows, dodging the other students enjoying their lunch.

“That’s Allison,” Patch discretely points to a beautiful girl in a cheerleader uniform standing by one of the staircases. “She’s the most popular girl in school.” Dave doesn’t doubt it, the girl seems to ooze charisma if the crowd of cheerleaders and football players around her were anything to go by.

“And that blond guy next to her,” She gestures, making sure Dave is looking, “is Luther. He’s the most popular guy at this school.” Dave assesses the boy, he’s tall, even taller than Dave, and is dressed in a letterman’s jacket. “They’re in your Biology class. Don’t fuck with them.”

Suddenly Patch is marching away again and Dave is hurrying to catch up to her. They stop in front of a classroom. Dave peers inside, it seems to be some kind of club meeting. “That’s Five, the one in the front.” She nods into the room without actually looking in. “He’s Junior Class President, aka an obnoxious know-it-all. He’s also in your Biology class. Let’s go,” this time Dave is prepared when Patch whizzes away. They walk farther, and Dave has time to assess his new “friend”. She’s high-strung, and obviously takes her job as Hall Monitor, very seriously. But Dave hopes she won’t dump him after today. She’s nice and having at least one friend at this new school would make the whole ordeal easier. 

She is kind of weird though. This tour, for instance, seems really random. But it’s not like Dave has anything better to do with his lunch period.

They walk past the music rooms, slowing momentarily as they walk by an open door. “That’s Vanya. She’s good at music. The orchestra people think she’s a big deal.” Dave spots a short brunette girl playing a violin while a few people watch. Then Patch starts to march away again. “Also in Bio.”

They walk down a few more hallways and into the library. At least Dave would know how to get around after this. “That’s Ben,” she whispers, pointing at a boy sitting at one of the back tables with some other kids. He’s wearing a letterman’s jacket too. “He’s in the tutoring club. Also in your class. Seeing a pattern?”

Dave is, but he isn’t sure why Patch felt it necessary to show him every single person in his fourth period class. Why this class? Why these people? He nods. They leave the library. 

A commotion catches his attention down the hall. A boy was slamming another student into some lockers and shouting threats. Dave made out “-down your throat so far you’ll be shitting tupperware-” before Patch yells at the kid.

“Diego, knock it the fuck off!” Which is probably too much profanity for a Hall Monitor to shout but Dave isn’t going to say anything. The kid, Diego, lets go of his victim(?) and turns to face them. 

“I’m doing my job, Eudora!” He gestures at his shiny HALL MONITOR badge that matches Patch’s. She stomps right up to him, scowl on her face. 

“This is why you get suspended idiot.” She cuffs the back of his head. “And don’t call me that.” Diego raises his hands in apology.

“Sorry, sorry. Sometimes it just slips out.” He winks. “I have to go meet Hazel for that mandatory counseling thing. See you after sixth period?” Dave eye’s almost pop out when Diego leans over and presses a kiss to Patch’s cheek. She blushes and Diego chuckles to himself as he walks away.

He hadn’t even asked what Dave’s name was. Rude.

Patch clears her throat. “That’s Diego. He’s in your Bio class, too. Give him a wide berth.”

“Is he your…?”

“No.” And then Dave is speed-walking to keep up with her as she exits the building and weaves through the parking lot and walked up some stairs. They reach the track that circles the football field. Across the way Dave can see a small group of people sitting in the shade of one of the utility sheds. “That guy, the one who just rolled over. See him?”

Dave can make out a dark blurry figure laying eagle spread in the grass. 

“That’s Klaus. He’s a stoner and -”

“In my Biology class?”

“Yup. Okay. That’s the tour.” She checks her watch. “And we still have three minutes before the bell, nice.”

“Wait, I’m sorry. I appreciate the whole  _ showing-me-my-classmates-thing _ , but,”

“But?”

“Why? Why these people?” Patch’s eyes widen as she realizes her mistake.

“Oh. I should have lead with this,” she puts a hand on her forehead and takes a deep breath. “Everyone I just showed you. They’re siblings. The Hargreeves.”

Dave frowns. Was this a prank? Is he being hazed or something? She had shown him seven people. Seven people with different ethnicities and builds and features. 

She notices his confusion. “They’re adopted. But, they’re all in your Biology period. Which makes the class a living hell. I just wanted you to be prepared. Don’t sit by these people.  _ Sit as far away as you can. _ If you  _ have _ to sit by one of them, I dunno, pick Vanya. Or Ben. But even that’s risky…”

She was talking like the class was some kind of nightmare. 

“Anyone who could switch out of that class, did it on day one. It’s cruel of Hazel to stick you in there. He’s a sadistic bastard.”

Dave watches the blurry figure of Klaus Hargreeves stand up and do a cartwheel. Well, attempt a cartwheel before falling face-first into the dirt. 

He is not looking forward to Biology.

The bell rings. Hopefully Patch is exaggerating. 

☂☂☂

Dave ducks as a textbook flies by his head. 

“WATER IS NOT WET!” Luther yells. Maybe it’s because Dave is an only-child, but he really doesn’t get how this argument escalated to the point of shouting and throwing things.

Diego, who had thrown the textbook, looks livid.

A guy leans over next to him. “Hey man,” he puts his hand out to shake Dave’s, completely unphased by the violent display going on around them. 

Dave shakes the offered hand. “Hey. I’m Dave.”

“WELL IT ISN’T DRY!” Klaus shouts at his brother from on top of a desk.

“Patrick.”

“When does the teacher step in?” He asks Patrick. Their teacher is sitting at her desk, clicking through the powerpoint slides. Dave supposes he should be taking notes, but he’s a little distracted. How could she just let chaos like this unfurl without doing anything?

“Oh, Cha-Cha? She doesn’t give a fuck. It’s like this every class.”

“YOU’RE ALL FUCKING IMBECILES!” Five screams before stomping out of the room. A pen hits him on the back of the head as he storms out. 

“No. Come back. Wait.” Cha-Cha deadpans without looking up.

“Real mature, Diego.” Allison says, flipping off her brother.

“Bite me, bitch.”

“The fuck did you just say to her?” Luther throws his desk across the room. Like all the way across.

Dave can’t believe he has twenty more minutes of this.

☂☂☂

Dave’s last class of the day is ROTC. None of the Hargreeves are in ROTC, thankfully. After Bio, he really needs a break. They’re training today, running laps on the track. 

Dave is enjoying the rhythm of his feet slapping the track and the feel of the fall breeze on his hot skin when he notices a shadowy figure smoking in the bleachers.

His Lieutenant notices at the same time.

“Hargreeves!” The man shouted. And Dave realizes it’s Klaus. Is there no escaping this family? “Either get your skinny ass down here and run laps, or go to the office! You know smoking is prohibited on school grounds, boy!”

Dave watches as Klaus stands, swaying slightly. He had just watched this kid scream at his siblings, climb several pieces of classroom furniture, and sit in his brother’s lap for seemingly no reason. So he’s ready for the boy to flip his Lieutenant off or make an inappropriate comment.

He isn’t expecting the boy to throw his head back and moan before putting out whatever he was smoking and walk down to the track.

Klaus starts running. Or, well. Not running. Maybe, limping at a fast pace. Dave watches from behind. He hadn’t gotten a good look at Klaus earlier. He had been too far away at lunch and getting caught staring sounded like a death wish during Biology. But he could look now.

Klaus is beautiful.

He has pale skin, and dark curls. His long legs are clad in leather pants with lacing down the sides. Definitely not adhering to the dress code. The boy’s wearing a well-worn (practically see-through) tye-dye shirt and flip-flops. 

Beautiful. But a total mess, and not at all dressed for running laps. Dave quickly catches up to him. 

He slows his pace so he can run beside him. “I’m surprised you didn’t just go to the office.” Because really, Klaus’ plastic purple flip-flops were never intended for athletic purposes. The boy looks over, and wow, Dave has never seen such big green eyes before.

“Hmm, and miss out on this roaring good time?” He grins but Dave can see the sweat starting to build up on his skin. Leather isn’t meant for running. 

Dave doesn’t know how to respond to that and looking at Klaus when they aren’t talking feels weird so he looks ahead as the awkward silence sets in. He should probably just speed up and leave Klaus. He’s only jogging now and his mile time is going to be horrible. But it feels like Klaus is a magnet, sending out pulses that draw Dave in, he isn’t sure he knows how to leave his side.

But the silence is really getting awful.

“Water isn’t wet,” he blurts because he has a death wish. This is what Patch warned him about. He’s going to die on his first day at this school.

He glances at the boy, nerves tingling in anticipation. Klaus blinks at him with those big round eyes.

“Um, yeah… I know?” He wipes his curls from his face. And. Oh. God. He doesn’t even know what Dave was referencing. He doesn’t know they’re in Bio together. Dave’s cheeks heat up in embarrassment. 

“Oh uh-um. I just mean ‘cause like you… said that. In Biology.” Dave’s stuttering isn’t for nothing though. A wave of relief hits him as recognition dawns in Klaus’ eyes.

“Oh! Ha! No, okay.” The boy grins at him and starts jogging backwards so he can look Dave straight-on. “You’re obviously new,” he winks playfully and cups a hand around his mouth as if to protect the words from the other students running by, “so let me let you in on a secret: Luther has the biggest stick up his ass.” He tilts his head back and laughs. Dave is starting to think it wasn’t a cigarette he was smoking on the bleachers.

“So!” Klaus suddenly starts again, catching Dave off guard. “We fuck with him. Diego and I. And sometimes Five, but he wasn’t in on it today.”

Maybe this would make more sense if Dave had siblings.

“Um. Okay.” So Klaus knew water isn’t wet and he just wanted to mess with Luther. His football captain brother who threw a desk across the room and could probably crush him. Maybe Dave should have expected this level of devil-may-care behavior from the kid jogging backwards in dollar store flip-flops.

Klaus licks his lips, drawing Dave’s eyes. “So… You  _ are _ new, right?”

Dave nods, still careful to keep his pace slow enough that he doesn’t force Klaus to speed up. The other ROTC students are giving him weird looks as they pass. Maybe talking to a Hargreeves isn’t the smartest choice if he wants to make sane friends at this school.

At least he has Patch. Maybe. 

Klaus stops suddenly and Dave crashes into him, sending them both tumbling to the ground. He reaches out to slide a hand behind Klaus’ head before it hits the rough track. When they make impact, Klaus’ bony knee connects with Dave’s crotch.

He takes a deep breath as the pain tingles through his body. When the pain starts to fade he realizes several things.

  1. Klaus is laughing hysterically underneath him, the force of it making both of them shake.
  2. His hand is still cradling Klaus’ head and… wow. Klaus has really soft curls.
  3. His face is squished up against Klaus’ neck, his lips on the underside of the boy’s jaw.
  4. He can feel _all_ of Klaus pressed up under him.
  5. His Lieutenant is shouting at him to get his ass in gear.



“Katz! I said get the hell up! I’ve never seen a more pathetic mile time in my life, boy!” Dave snaps up off the ground, his whole face red with embarrassment. Still, he offers a hand to Klaus. The other boy takes it with a salacious grin, which quickly turns to a frown when he looks down at his feet.

“Aww, man.” Apparently the flip-flops had had enough. The rubber toe posts had pulled out of the plastic foam soles. Klaus just sighs. “Go on, soldier boy. Don’t let me ruin your mile time.” He waves a hand at him, a clear dismissal. 

Dave hesitates. It still feels wrong to leave. Especially now that Klaus doesn’t even have shoes. They’re on the far side of the track, Klaus has a long way to go.

“I could carry you.” He offers without thinking. It seems his filter isn’t working today. Great. And Klaus is looking at him like he grew a second head. 

He’s about to take it back and maybe apologize for being stupid when Klaus smirks. “Aw. Like Prince Charming.” He bends over and scoops up his broken flip-flops, but at a weird unnecessary angle that lets Dave see a lot of Klaus’ leather-clad ass. Then he straightens and steps into Dave’s personal space. “I’ll be your princess,” he whispers into Dave’s ear. The amount of sweat pouring off of Klaus should make the whole thing gross but Dave has to force himself to think of dead puppies and naked grandmothers to keep his blood from rushing south.

“O-okay.” Dave looks at Klaus, trying to figure out  _ how _ to pick him up. And then has a silent panicky moment where he wonders if he  _ can _ carry Klaus. It will be mortifying if he’s not strong enough. Should he give him a piggyback ride? Or would a fireman’s hold be better? Or even bridal style?

Klaus takes away the options when he throws his arms around Dave’s neck and goes limp, forcing Dave to grab his legs. Bridal style it is.

Dave ignores the shouts from his Lieutenant and the unimpressed looks from his classmates as he jogs with Klaus in his arms, who is very light, to Dave’s relief. 

His mile time ends up being 17 minutes. His Lieutenant is pissed. 

“Hargreeves, I don’t want to see your chicken legs on my track! You’re distracting my cadets!” The older man yells, spittle flying.

Klaus rolls his eyes. “But you told me-”

“Don’t talk back to me, boy, I’ll send you to the principal’s office so fast your head will spin. I’m not in the mood for-” and Dave is sure the man would have continued if Klaus hadn’t huffed and started walking down the stairs to the parking lot, middle finger held high. Dave watches him go wistfully.

“Dammit! Get your ass to the office!” But Klaus is gone, so the man whirls on Dave. “And you! 17 minutes is the worst mile time I’ve ever seen in my life! My grandma could walk a mile faster and she has a metal hip! I want suicide sprints, go!”

Dave has a very strong, and unfamiliar, urge to flip him off too. Klaus is obviously a bad influence.

☂☂☂

Dave has to walk home after school. The military housing is close enough to his new school that they don’t offer bus services. 

He pauses when he reaches the little mom-and-pop grocery store on the corner. A flash of purple plastic catching his eye.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Klaus did the bend and snap when he picked up his flip-flops. He is a big Legally Blonde fan.
> 
> My tumblr is http://les-waff.tumblr.com/ if you wanna chat ;)


	2. apples are meat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brownie points for anyone who finds all of the pop culture references in here.

Klaus is pretty sure his dad is the most sadistic motherfucker on the planet. Sure, he plays the classy billionaire who sits in his study all day and donates money to science or whatever. But deep down he’s really just engineering ways to fuck up his kids.

Why else would he make them share a goddamn minivan?

They’re rich. Like so ridiculously loaded. They could all have their own car. They could each have a car for every day of the week. Not that Klaus can actually drive or anything. But still.

The minivan is clearly a device of torture. Klaus would put money on there being secret cameras in it. His dad probably watches the footage for fun.

“I swear to God, if you don’t shut the fuck up I will drive us off a fucking cliff.” Five hisses at them from the driver’s seat. Vanya hands him his coffee (the second one of the day) in an attempt to keep his focus on the road. A failure, as he hits an orange construction cone a moment later.

“I’m just saying, you always pick the gas station that’s completely out of the way! We’re going to be late to school!” Luther argues, leaning up so he’s level with Five and Vanya and would probably go through the windshield if they crashed. 

Their morning ride is always so… loud. Klaus used to ignore it all and just listen to his music but  _ someone _ ( _ cough _ Allison  _ cough _ ) never returned his walkman. So here he is. Dying in the third row of their ugly silver minivan on a crisp Tuesday morning.

Beside him, Diego is hastily copying Ben’s trigonometry homework. Klaus rolls his eyes, he stopped caring about that shit a long time ago.

Five slams on the brakes, sending everyone lurching forward but surprising absolutely no one. Five drives like he’s coming from a bank heist. 

“Who’s turn is it to pay for gas?” Vanya asks, turning to look at them from the front. Klaus doesn’t know why they bother taking turns, their credit cards all pull from the same account. 

“It’s Klaus’ turn,” Ben offers. He’s probably the only one they can trust to keep track. “But Dad froze his card.” 

His siblings all sigh or give him that Disappointed Stare. So he grins. “I shop, therefore I am.” He places a hand over his chest dramatically. “If Dad can’t understand that, it’s on him.” And yup, he’s succeeded in meeting the expectations of being a let down today and it’s not even eight am yet. It must be a record or something.

He isn’t sorry though. In fact, he’s wearing the [nine hundred seventy-five dollar jean romper](https://www.farfetch.com/shopping/women/r13-cowboy-romper-item-12839989.aspx?storeid=9475) that got his Dad’s attention right now. And it feels good. Like success. 

“Well, then who’s going to pay?” Luther asks. And just like that everyone’s yelling again.

☂☂☂

They’re late for school. Klaus is pretty sure that if Principal Handler wasn’t weirdly obsessed with Five, they would get in a lot more trouble for stumbling in late every other day.

But Klaus is kind of put-out about being late. The hallways are empty so there’s no one to admire just  _ how good _ he looks today.

His romper is mostly unbuttoned, revealing a shocking splash of clavicle and the bottom section ends just above mid-thigh and shows off his legs (which he had actually shaved). Plus, he’s got his best pair of gray suede boots. The ones that have MCR lyrics scrawled all over them in black sharpie. 

It’s a crime that no one got to drool over him before class. What will the closeted jocks jerk off to in the bathroom today?

He saunters to class. At least his fellow History classmates will appreciate him. When he opens the door he sags in disappointment. They’re watching a documentary. In the dark. He will continue to be unacknowledged. Ugh, should he just skip?

He hovers in the doorway for a second, considering it.

“Hargreeves, you’re late. Find a seat.” Well, if Mrs. Smith insists. He steps inside and lets the door shut loudly behind him. In the dark it’s hard to see who is sitting where so he just grabs the first empty seat he finds and settles in.

Movies mean nap time. He lets the gunfire and monotone narration of the documentary wash over him. His eyes are already growing heavy. 

“Hey,” a familiar voice calls from the seat behind his. He perks up immediately and turns to see the New Kid from yesterday. His very own Prince Charming.

Maybe the outfit won’t be wasted after all.

Klaus grins, noticing the way the light from the ActivBoard makes the boy’s baby blue eyes glow. “Hey yourself,” he flirts, putting it on thick because this guy had literally laid on him and carried him in his arms the day before. If that didn’t scream  _ I’m interested!  _ then Klaus didn’t know what did. 

“Shit’s crazy,” New Kid says, nodding at the documentary. He pushes something at Klaus, who takes it automatically before realizing what it is.

A notebook. With notes.  _ Vietnam Documentary  _ reads the heading. Klaus can’t remember the last time someone gave him their notes to copy. It was probably Ben, in like, middle school.

“Oh. Yeah.” He agrees, too shocked to keep up his seduction. “I um, didn’t bring a notebook. So.” He hands back the notes, feeling weird, like there’s an itch under his skin. He scratches idly at the back of his neck.

“Oh.” New Kid’s eyes widen. “Okay, here.” He rips out a whole handful of blank pages from the notebook.

Klaus takes notes for the first time in four years.

☂☂☂

When class is over and the lights come back on, Klaus revels in the long look the New Kid gives him. Inwardly cheering when his gaze hovers on his exposed chest. 

He glances at the notes he had tried to take during the fast paced documentary on the scraggly loose pages he’d been given. They suck. No doubt about it. But he folds them up and shoves them in his pocket anyways.

“So, New Kid,” Klaus starts. Watching the blond boy pack his backpack. 

“Dave,” the boy corrects him.  _ Dave. Dave. Dave. _

“So, Dave,” Klaus restarts. Airily sitting on Dave’s desk. “Thanks for yesterday, that was very noble of you.”

Dave actually turns a blotchy red which is just -  _ everything _ . The boy clears his throat. “Oh. About that.” He reaches into his bag and pulls out a pair of purple flip-flops, almost identical to Klaus’ old pair. “I got these for you. Yours only broke because I fell on you. Sorry.”

For the second time in less than an hour Klaus is floored. Shocked. Bamboozled. He takes the flip-flops carefully. The only person who ever bought him shoes was Mom (well, technically Dad since Mom doesn’t have money…) and the whole getting-trampled-by-the-hot-new-kid thing had been totally planned. Klaus really wasn’t being subtle about it, he had stopped mid-run and let himself be plowed over by Dave. It was a ploy. An artificial yet memorable meet-cute. 

Klaus stares at the flip-flops.

“Are they the right kind? Sorry, I wasn’t sure what you had.” Klaus jerks, and looks into Dave’s concerned eyes. Who the hell is this guy? Who gave him the right to be like this?

“Yeah, they’re great. Thanks.” He kicks off his boots (four hundred dollars) and pulls on the flip-flops (five dollars). 

The bell rings and Klaus grabs his boots and runs. 

☂☂☂

“You look like hell.” Ben tells him as they shift through the lunch line at a snail’s pace.

“Yeah? I just got back.” Klaus snarks. Counselor Hazel is holding up the line, flirting with Lunch Lady Rofa  _ again _ . 

“Sure. You wanna talk about your time in hell?” He asks. Because Ben actually cares, _ bless him. _

“Nope.” Klaus has no idea what to say really. Has no idea what happened in History. He’s never had a hard time flirting before. Never felt a weird itch under his skin like that. Never run away from a cute boy.

Ben “hmmms” but lets it slide. 

“Just grab a sloppy joe and GO!” Klaus shouts at the counselor. He turns to Ben, “some people have no regard for others.” He scoffs.

Ben just sighs. Counselor Hazel doesn’t even pause in his conversation with the lunch lady.

“You know.” He muses, winking at a girl who he catches admiring his thighs and then turning to face Ben. “If Hazel just asked sweet Agnes out, they wouldn’t have to flirt during lunch time. They could just fuck and move on.”

“Or date. Not everyone just fucks and moves on, Klaus.” Ben says pointedly. Whatever.

“Mm-hmm. Or that. Whatever floats their boat. Or  _ rocks _ their boat. As long as I can GET MY GODDAMN CHILI FRIES.” He glares at the two adults holding up the line.

“You shouldn’t meddle in other people’s love lives.” Ben says, but the edges of his mouth are tilting up a bit in the way they always do when his brother knows he’s going to give in to whatever Klaus is planning. He steeples his fingers together and cackles maniacally.

☂☂☂

Klaus skips P.E.. Really, he ran like, half a mile yesterday. Surely that’s plenty. And after History, he deserves some alone time to figure out what the fuck his feelings are doing.

That being said, his hideout behind the tennis shed isn’t great. 

“How did you find me!” He groans.

“I followed the puffs of smoke, idiot.” Diego crosses his arms. Klaus inhales deeply on his joint. Holds, then breathes out the cursed smoke that had gotten him caught.

Diego  _ should _ be writing him a citation and taking the joint to the office. Like a good Hall Monitor. But being Diego’s favorite brother has advantages.

“You’re not my favorite brother.”

Oops. He was talking out loud. 

“You’re still talking out loud, dude. This is why Allison and Luther pretend they don’t know you.”

“Allison and Luther aren’t cool enough to know me.”

Diego just shakes his head. “Hurry up with that,” he gestures to the joint. “I have to escort you to class.” Klaus hums and takes another long inhale. He hadn’t spilled to Ben about what happened with Dave. He wasn’t really sure how to put any of it into words. But Diego had expertise in places Ben didn’t...

"Diego,  _ you _ have a semi-regular sexual partner."

"You mean a girlfriend?"

Klaus levels him with a Look. They both know Eudora doesn't consider herself Diego's girlfriend.

"Fine. I have a semi… regular… sexual… partner."

Klaus smirks. "I need advice."

☂☂☂

He doesn’t skip Biology, even though he is not ready to see Dave. He ran from him this morning. That’s possibly the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done. After the thing with the dead frog and the sponge. And the thing with the thong and the mailbox. 

But he has Diego to help him.

They walk into Biology together. Klaus had managed to make his joint last for the whole P.E. period which took some definite skill. He scans the room. Allison and Luther are sitting next to each other at some desks in the middle of the room. Ben is next to Luther, but he had obviously saved a seat for Klaus. Five is in front of Ben, with Vanya next to him. And in the front row, far away from his family on the other side of the room, sits Dave. Diego nudges him. Klaus nudges him back.

He sits in the empty seat by Dave. Diego sits on Klaus’ other side. He’s a good brother like that. (More accurately, Diego tells the person in the seat next to Klaus to  _ fucking scram _ , and then sits by him, but it’s so darn sweet.)

“Hey, Klaus.” Dave says and Klaus is pretty sure he hadn’t given him his name? So that means Dave knows who he is. Like  _ knows _ knows. Yikes.

“Play dumb.” Diego whispers.

“Who’s Klaus?” He asks. Dave’s face crinkles in confusion.

“Not that dumb!” Diego hisses and kicks his shin. Ouch.

“Hahaha. Just kidding. Anyways. Hi.” He makes the bold choice to wink. He’s good at winking. Dave looks amused which is better than freaked out. So that’s a win. Maybe he forgot that Klaus actually sprinted from his presence this morning. 

A paper airplane hits him in the back of the head. “OW!” He yells pointedly, already knowing who the airplane is from. He turns around and flips Ben off. Ben rolls his eyes and mimes unfolding the plane. The message reads  _ traitor  _ what a jealous wet blanket. Diego reads the note and snorts. If anyone else had sent it they would have been hit with a pen by now. But Diego is soft on Ben too. 

“Just act normal.” He whispers to Klaus. Normal. Okay. Well, Normal Klaus flirts with cute boys.

“So, like I was saying this morning. I really  _ loved _ the way you picked me up yesterday.” He reaches over and feels Dave’s arm. “You’re so strong,” he whispers into his ear, as sultry as possible.

He glances back at Diego for encouragement. His brother looks disgusted. That means he’s probably doing this just right. In front of him, Dave is turning that delicious blotchy red again. “Oh.” He says, making brief eye contact with Klaus before staring at his blank notebook page.

“I didn’t mean sexually harass him!” Diego whispers exasperatedly. He really needs to make up his mind. Klaus rubs his thumb across the front of Dave’s bicep, it’s so silky smooth. Klaus could touch his arm all day.

“Hands to yourself Hargreeves, what is this? Fucking kindergarten?” Cha-Cha barks from her computer. She stands up to look intimidating or something. “And get your ass out of my front row. The front row is for students who give a fuck. You too,” she points at Diego. Klaus hates this fucking Bitch. He rolls his eyes at Dave, who looks scandalized by Cha-Cha’s shitty rules, which is adorable. He and Diego slink back to the Hargreeves Bubble.

“What is it today?” He asks Diego. Yesterday was the wet water thing. So today is…

“Apples are meat.” Diego whispers so Luther won’t hear.

Klaus cracks his knuckles. “Ah, yes.” He turns to project his voice at his family. “No, Diego, I simply  _ cannot _ eat that apple. You see, I am a  _ vegan _ .”

It’s too easy.

☂☂☂

When the last bell rings, Allison snags Klaus’ arm before he can walk over to Dave.

“I need your help.” She says, obviously over the apple is meat argument already. Klaus sighs and brushes his sister’s gorgeous curls behind her ear, ready to be imposed upon. She takes his silence as permission to continue. “I want to throw a party.”

Klaus perks up, much more interested than before. “Oh? How naughty.” 

“I need help getting some kegs. And weed. Can you do that part?” Klaus shrugs. Responsibility is not his friend.

“Here, since your card doesn’t work.” She shoves her own shiny credit card into his hand. Well this changes everything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this a little cracky? Possibly. But so is high school. I want to put in some real feels at some point... We will see.
> 
> Another thing: my high school had an ABC schedule, so that's what I'm doing here bc it's familiar, but feel free to imagine whatever you want.  
> ~~A (1,2,4,5) B (3,1,6,4) C (2,3,5,6)~~
> 
> Also the apples are meat thing is from here: https://www.debate.org/opinions/are-apples-actually-meat
> 
> My tumblr is http://les-waff.tumblr.com/ if you wanna chat ;)


	3. you're an oil painting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, welcome back! This chapter took me a lot longer to write because...(drum roll)... it's triple the length of my normal chapters!  
> Alsoooooo I know you guys like the funny stuff, this chapter definitely has some funny bits but I am also trying to start laying the ground work for an actual plot.  
> I haven't edited this yet either, expect a few mistakes. I'll probably fix them later.
> 
> IMPORTANT THING #1: I edited chapter one and changed "spring breeze" to "fall breeze" because I changed the story's plot and needed it to be football season. So yeah, Ben and Luther are busy with football just FYI.
> 
> IMPORTANT THING #2: Possible TRIGGER WARNING - there is a house party in this chapter and the characters get drunk. There is NO non-con but there is a drunken kiss and bed sharing. Please be safe.

Dave watches the toaster. The red glow is soothing in their dark kitchen. A room away he can hear his mom waking up. He turns the coffee maker on for her. She shuffles into the room, her easy smell of roses and soap washing over the gloomy kitchenette. The toaster dings and he fights the machine for his slices, burning himself a little when the toaster tries to swallow the second piece into its fiery depths. 

He butters them, smears on some jelly and flaxseeds and places them in front of his mom. Then he grabs a mug and pours her coffee, stirring in three sugars, just the way she likes it. He leans down when she reaches for his face and lets himself be kissed on the cheek.

“Oh, Tattele, you’re such a good son.” She murmurs in the warm quiet. She sits at the kitchen’s bar and he grabs her pill box, opening the little door with the W on it. He places the pills beside her plate. Then he turns away and opens the fridge. She doesn’t like to take them when he’s watching.

“Momme,” he says while contemplating whether we wants to make a turkey sandwich or take the leftover macaroni and cheese his mom made yesterday. He decides on the sandwich and grabs his ingredients before setting them on the counter in front of his mom. “What does it mean if someone runs away from you?”

Klaus had been on his mind all night. Which was stupid, he’s known him for two days. But the two days had certainly left an impression. Between all the physical contact on Monday and all the weirdness (and the revealing outfit) on Tuesday, Klaus Hargreeves is all he can think about. 

His mom raises a blonde eyebrow. “Is this about a girl?” She asks, sipping her coffee. 

Dave fights the urge to cringe and ignores the way his stomach sinks. “Yes,” he lies. Shame tinges his face red, but his mom seems to see it as embarrassment.

“Oh David, don’t worry, if she’s worth it she’ll come back.” She says it quietly, like if they’re too loud it will ruin their soft morning routine. Dave spreads the mustard on his bread. 

“Well they did. But I was -” overwhelmed by Klaus’ hand rubbing his arm “-being stupid. I didn’t say much.” He carefully arranges the turkey on one slice of bread, it feels like his eyes are glued to the sandwich. Looking up at his mom isn’t even possible right now. He hates lying to her, but he needs advice. 

“Well today is a new day, you can show her just how great you are.” She catches his hand as he reaches for the cheese, raising it to her mouth for a kiss. “You’re amazing, Tattele. Let her see it.”

“How?” He asks when she lets his hand go.

“A date is usually a good place to start.” She winks at him. “She’s a lucky girl.”

☂☂☂

“Aren’t I a lucky girl?” Klaus mutters bitterly as the shower head sprays ice cold water on him. This is another thing that Klaus is pretty sure his father does just to make life hell. He makes them share one bathroom. One motherfucking bathroom. They have nineteen! But can they use them? Of course not.

He scrubs some shampoo into his hair, shivering. Sometimes Ben wakes him up early and he’s able to snag a shower before Luther. But his brother seemed to be brooding about Klaus not telling him about Dave yesterday, so here he is. Showering last. 

Well, not last. Just after Luther. And all of the Hargreeves know that there’s never hot water left after Luther showers. 

He showers as fast as he can but already someone is pounding on the door. “Christ on a cracker! I’ve been in here for five fucking minutes!” He yells. He rinses the shampoo out and decides to forego conditioner, he’ll have a frizzy rat’s nest all day but whatever.

He throws a towel on and marches out of the room, flipping Five off. “Enjoy the cold water, dick.”

Number Five is too sophisticated to react which is unsatisfying. Klaus huffs off. Pogo walks by and taps his watch meaningfully. Whatever. 

Diego is rifling through his things when he enters his room. “Hello, brother dearest.” He drops his towel, uncaring if Diego has a problem with it. It is  _ Klaus’ _ room, after all.

Diego looks up, groans, and turns back around to continue searching Klaus’ drawers. “Don’t let Ben hear you say that. He’s pissed you told me about your crush and not him.”

Klaus sighs, why is his family so suffocating? “Toss me some underwear,” he calls as he sits in front of his mirror to apply his eyeliner. A neon orange thong hits him in the back of the head. “Thanks.”

“Dude, where the hell are your condoms?” 

Klaus shrugs, “I ran out.”

“Fuck. Okay, I’m driving today.” His brother establishes, like Klaus cares. “We’ll stop at the store.” Then Diego leaves, rushing out the door. Everyone is always in such a rush before school and they always end up late anyways. 

Allison pokes her head through his open door. “Dad’s yelling about us being late. You should probably get down there.” Then she’s gone. Klaus suppresses the urge to scream. 

“This house is a fucking nightmare.” He swipes at his eyes. He’ll go for a smudged look today. He pulls on the thong and grabs some random stuff from his closet. 

Getting dressed while walking down a grand staircase is hard.

“- unacceptable! How do you ever expect to be competent adults if you can’t even get to school on time?” His dad is shouting at his siblings who are just trying to eat breakfast. Klaus tunes him out and grabs a pancake from the stack on the kitchen table. Mom breezes by him, momentarily squeezing his shoulder before moving to pour him a glass of orange juice. Number Five stumbles into the kitchen a moment later, hair wet like Klaus’ but he’s wearing a suit whereas Klaus is wearing… he looks down. An orange paisley turtleneck crop top that was definitely Allison’s if the slightly stretched out chest was anything to go by, and a long lime green tulle skirt that is definitely his. They clash pretty horribly. Oh well. 

“Why are you all still in here?” His dad shouts. Klaus sighs. More rushing. He sips his juice and then lets himself be ushered outside with his siblings. As he climbs into the minivan (in the passenger seat because Diego is driving) he preens a bit when he catches his father’s disapproving stare on him. Is it pathetic? Definitely. But it’s not like he’s alone. All of his siblings do something to get their dad’s attention. For Diego it’s getting suspended for fighting. For Vanya it’s playing violin until her fingers bleed. For Klaus it’s his clothes and his drugs and his overall Klaus-ness. Even Ben bought his octopus as an act of defiance. Hell, he’s pretty sure the party Allison is throwing is her newest attempt. Or maybe it’s  _ their _ newest attempt, considering all the work Klaus is putting in.

It’s stupid to want his attention. To want him to look up from his damn journal or to focus on just one of them specifically. The second he has the man’s attention he doesn’t want it anymore, but here he is, still working on getting it. 

He giggles to himself, they’re all so fucked up. Diego shoots him a look. “Bro, it’s 7:40, you can’t be high already.”

He’s not, but why challenge the reputation he’s getting? “Shut up and get your condoms, Romeo.”

☂☂☂

“I heard that Klaus has been talking to you.” Dave jumps when Patch suddenly appears as he walks to History. “Is he bugging you?”

He looks at his friend. Is Klaus bugging him? No. But does he know what’s going on? Not at all. Dave thinks about the weird magnetism that pulls him to Klaus. He thinks about how  _ a date is usually a good place to start. _

“Because if he is,” Patch continues, frowning at him in concern. “I can get Diego to make him stop. That boy is surprisingly easy to persuade.”

Dave wonders if she means Diego or Klaus. 

“He’s not bugging me.” Dave rubs at his arm. He can still feel Klaus’ hot fingers around his bicep. “We met in my fifth period and I had to carry him.” He smiles sheepishly when Patch gives him a disbelieving look. “His shoes broke.”

“O-kay. Well, be careful. I know I lo ok like a hypocrite when I say this, but the Hargreeves are messy and getting involved in their big weird family can be dangerous. They’re all messed up in the head.” 

They stop outside of Dave’s History class. Patch adjusts her grip on her backpack’s straps, Dave’s never seen her fidget before. She’s usually too put-together for that. “Look. Klaus is fun if you have the patience for the flighty stoner thing, I get it. But odds are, he’ll screw you over at some point.” Dave opens his mouth to argue, even though he really has no information to support the contrary. Patch raises her hands defensively. “It’s not his fault. And he won’t mean to. But that’s how they are. They don’t know any better.” Dave closes his mouth and nods, feeling heavy disappointment settle in. Which is stupid, he’s known Klaus for, like, two days.

“Then…” He bites his lip, not wanting to say the wrong thing and lose his only friend. She cocks her head to the side, waiting. “Why do you date Diego? If you know he’s going to screw you over?”

“Maybe I try to see the best in people. Or maybe I’m just messed up too,” she shrugs and then leaves to go to her class. 

Dave watches her go and thinks about how he’s always liked to see the best in people too.

When he walks into his classroom Klaus is already sprawled in a chair, feet up on a desk. He’s in a puffy skirt which is… well Dave’s never seen a guy wear a skirt before. But Klaus makes it look natural in a way that most girls don’t even pull off. He doesn’t realize he’s walking towards Klaus until the boy’s bright green eyes are looking at him.

“Hey,” he smiles and sits in the empty desk by his.

“Hey.” Klaus grins back. For a moment they just stare at each other, smiling. They probably look like idiots. Dave clears his throat and busies himself with pulling out his notebook and pencil. Should he ask Klaus on a date like his mom suggested? Where would they even go? What does a person like Klaus like to do? Dave taps his pencil on his desk. He can feel Klaus looking at him. But if he looks up, will he have to say something? Why is he always so dumb around this guy?

He glances over, Klaus doesn’t have a backpack. Or even a notebook or pencil. Dave rips out a page of his notebook and hands it over with his back-up pencil. “Here.” He offers the supplies with every intention of not looking Klaus in the eye, but his eyes dart up against his will anyways.

Klaus laughs, but it sounds nervous. He shifts so his feet, which are bare, are on the floor and takes the paper and pencil. “Thanks.”

“Where are your shoes?” 

Klaus looks down at his feet in surprise. “Oh! I guess I forgot them.” He sticks the pencil’s eraser in his mouth and Dave averts his gaze. 

“You forgot shoes? How?” Maybe Patch was spot-on when she called Klaus flighty.

“Mmmm. You know,” he shrugs like forgetting shoes is a relatable problem everyone faces. “I was in a rush. Or, really, it was everyone else who was rushing. I was just along for the ride.”

Dave wonders what Klaus’ house is like in the morning. “Okay.” He smiles politely and watches as Klaus scratches at his head. His hair isn’t falling in shiny ringlets today, instead it looks like he’d rubbed it with a bunch of balloons. He jerks as the teacher starts loudly calling for attention at the front of the room. 

He manages to focus on the lesson for all of three minutes. That’s when the piece of paper he’d given Klaus is tossed onto his desk.

_ Wanna come to a party on Friday?  _ is scrawled in messy handwriting. 

Dave stares at it. There are a lot of things he has to think about before agreeing to go somewhere. What time will it be at? How long will it last? How far away is it? Will he have to leave his mom alone overnight? He almost pencils in a  _ no _ .

Out of the corner or his eye he sees Klaus start to giggle at whatever their teacher just said. His eyes scrunching up and his pink lips stretching wide. He raises a delicate hand to hold up his head as his body slumps in soft amusement. 

_ A date is usually a good place to start. _

He takes a deep breath, writes  _ yes _ , and tries not to feel like a bad son.

☂☂☂

Klaus doodles an octopus attacking the moon and passes the note back. Dave pockets it.

☂☂☂

“I changed my mind. I’m not going.” 

He’d been saying this on and off for two days. But now it’s Friday night, and Klaus had told him to be at his place in an hour. Decision time is upon him.

“David. I’m fine. This is important. You need friends.” His mom smiles up at him from her place on the couch.

Dave sighs wearily and sits down next to her. “Momme,” he throws an arm over his eyes. “I don’t want to go. Let’s just watch a movie.”

His mother pushes him slightly. “Knock it off. I know you want to go.” She rubs his shoulder. “You just don’t want to leave me.”

Dave burrows further into his arm. She’s right. She’s always right. He wants to go and see Klaus and spend time in the boy’s warm allure. But…

“What if you fall?” He whispers. She’s having a hard day and hadn’t moved from the couch since he’d come home. Her walker sat at the ready by the coffee table.

“I have Life Alert. You’re being silly. You’re a young man, one night of fun won’t kill you.” She nudges his arm so he removes it and finally looks at her. “And that girl might be there,” she grins conspiratorially. Dave might actually be dying on the inside, he’s never been good at lying. He forces a smile.

“Yeah. Hope so.”

☂☂☂

Dave knew that the Hargreeves were rich. He knew in that way that all poor people instinctively know when someone around them is affluent. 

But there was a difference in knowing that Klaus was well-off and seeing the mansion that took up the whole block. Dave stands on the sidewalk for a moment, just taking in the sheer size of it. It looks like it had once been multiple buildings, all purchased and combined with time and money. 

What really strikes him, and he’s not sure why he fixates on it, is the amount of windows. It must be nice to have so many.

Someone jostles past him towards the front door. The pulsing music and lights are drawing in swarms of people like moths to flame. Dave takes a deep breath and walks up the steps. He’s being so dramatic. He had gone to parties at his old school. This wouldn’t be any different. He’d stay for an hour and then go home. He’ll make sure to talk to Klaus a bit, maybe wave at Patch. 

He walks inside. The main doors are wide open, welcoming anyone and anything. He thought it had been loud outside, but on the inside it actually feels like the walls are shaking with some song he’s heard on the radio a few times. The lights are dim and the room is packed with people. He carefully edges through the crowds, eyes scanning for dark curls.

He doesn’t find Klaus, but he does get jostled into a room that has some sofas and a few kegs set up. That’s when he spots his first Hargreeves of the night.  Dave frowns at the scene before him. It looks like Allison Hargreeves is trying to eat Patrick’s face. She’s in his lap on the couch, and the startling voracity of it is highly uncomfortable. He’s about to shift away from them when he notices Ben Hargreeves is next to him and is also staring.

Ben shakes his head sadly. “It’s to make him jealous.”

“Who?” 

Ben sighs like the world rests on his shoulders and rasps “It’s better if you don’t know.” Then he throws back his drink and marches away. Dave wavers for a moment. He doesn’t want to stay here but he doesn’t think following Ben is normal either. 

He’s saved when a light hand finds his shoulder. “Dave!” Klaus cheers, face completely lit up. Dave feels himself grin in an automatic response. For a moment the sound fades between songs and the room feels dark and hot and all he hears is the sound of lots of bodies and Klaus’ erratic breaths. He feels like he’s been dunked in molasses with Klaus, the two of them stuck and slow. Then a new song comes on and the moment is broken, the world around him moves fast again, almost giving him whiplash. 

“Hi!” Dave shouts above the music. Klaus’ hand is still on his shoulder and Dave can already feel Klaus’ magical magnetism kicking in. He sees Klaus’ eyes flick to his sister dry humping Patrick a foot away.

“Good job, sis!” 

Allison flips him off without taking her mouth off of Patrick. Then a football hits her in the side of her face.

“Ow, what the fuck!” She yells. Underneath her, Patrick looks dazed. Probably from the lack of air, Dave supposes.

Suddenly, Luther’s there, looking horrified. “I’m so sorry!” He reaches out to touch Allison’s face and Dave’s surprised when she lets him hold her cheeks in his giant hands. He caresses the bruise forming under her left eye reverently. She’s still straddling Patrick, but neither sibling seems to notice. “I’m so sorry, Alli, I didn’t mean to hit you. I was trying to hit-” Luther cuts himself off and glances at Patrick. “I mean. I didn’t want to hit anyone.”

Dave looks at Klaus, eyes wide. Klaus just nods. 

“It’s a bit chaotic in here.” Dave tells him.

Klaus smiles like Dave just gave him a compliment. Maybe he did. “Chaos is great!” Klaus uses the hand on Dave’s shoulder to corral him through another doorway. Then down a flight of stairs. “Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.” It’s dark in the stairwell but he’s pretty sure Klaus winked at him. 

They enter a kitchen. It’s packed too, with people shouting and laughing and two girls are even dancing on the long wooden table. 

That’s when Dave sees her. She sticks out like a sore thumb among the messy drunk teenagers. Her pink hoop skirt and un-mussed curls set her apart, not to mention she looks too old for high school. 

And she’s holding a plate of brownies.

Dave should probably expect anything when it comes to Klaus. But he’s still surprised when the lady turns to him and beams. “Hello Klaus, dear!” 

It’s weird. It’s even weirder when Klaus lets go of his shoulder to hug the woman and say “Hey, Mom.” He takes a brownie from the plate and takes a bite. “Good job, with these brownies!”

She thanks him and turns to Dave. “Would you like a brownie, hon?” Dave’s still processing the whole Klaus’-mom-is-here-and-looks-like-she’s-under-thirty thing. So he numbly reaches out for a brownie.

Only to have Klaus grab his hand. He looks up at him, surprised, again. The boy smiles sweetly and leans close to whisper. “Be careful. They’re special brownies.”

Oh. Okay. Dave nods his thanks and passes on the brownies. If he’s going to leave in an hour and walk across town he’ll need to stay clear-minded. Klaus doesn’t seem to mind his choice, and he still hasn’t let go of Dave’s hand. 

Klaus does grab him a drink from the other end of the kitchen. Dave waits until they’re far enough away from Klaus’ mom to ask “Your mom is cool with you guys having a party?” She’s serving pot brownies, Dave has officially seen it all.

“Oh, yeah, you know. She can’t really not be okay with it. She doesn’t have it in her if Dad’s not home.” He says cryptically, finishing off his brownie. Dave sips his beer, what does he say to that? 

He’s saved from making up his mind when Five enters the room and loudly declares “SHOTS!”

Dave can’t help but down his whole cup when he sees Klaus’ mom (who looks like she was plucked from the 50’s) pull out the tequila. This house is just  _ so weird _ .

☂☂☂

He watches Klaus down a fourth shot. “How much you wanna bet he pukes?” Patch slurs, decently intoxicated herself. Diego, Patch, and Ben had appeared somewhere behind Five and were now acting as spectators while Klaus and Five competed in some ruleless, prizeless drinking contest.

Diego rolls his eyes. “That’s a given. The real game is guessing  _ where  _ he’ll puke.”

“On the Persian rug,” Ben predicts, face glowing red.

“Mom’s favorite curtains,” Diego says, sipping his water with the superiority of knowing he’s the only sober person around.

“Dave.” Patch grins. “I bet he’ll puke on Dave.” Diego and Ben laugh and stare at him. Dave’s glad he’s on his second cup, drinking makes him all pink, protecting him from getting caught blushing.

“Maybe he won’t puke,” Dave hedges, almost immediately regretting his words when Klaus downs whatever’s in his red solo cup while he waits for his mom to pour another shot of tequila.

☂☂☂

Patch passes him another cup. And then Klaus hands him a shot. And then Vanya appears and gives him some kind of alcoholic milkshake. And then Patrick is asking him for a condom, which he doesn’t have. And then Ben is putting water into his cup and telling him to “take it easy.” And before he knows it, he’s agreeing to go back upstairs with them, to where the music is pulsing the loudest.

☂☂☂

Klaus watches Dave and Eudora dance, itching to join them. But first: official business.

“I think I should ask him out.” He tells his brothers, proud of himself for not slurring. Diego and Ben are standing next to him and they’re looking at him like he… interrupted their conversation? Oops. Were they talking? Klaus sips his beer.

“Bad idea, man.” A voice says from Klaus’ other side. He whips around, feeling loose. God, he loves alcohol.

“Who the hell are you?” Diego asks the short kid next to Klaus. Klaus is pretty sure he’s never seen this dude before. Are people from other schools coming now? Dad’s going to be so pissed.  Allison will love it.

“I’m  _ Harold _ ,” the guy says, like they should know that name. “ _ Harold Jenkins _ .” He tries again.

“Sorry, dude.” Ben shrugs. 

“I’m in your Biology class,” he tells them, as if they pay attention in that class. 

Klaus shifts from foot to foot, antsy. “Oh,  _ stellar _ . It’s nice to meet you… Leonard?”

“Gerald.” Diego corrects.

“Nice to meet you, Gerald.” Klaus smiles before turning to his brothers and rolling his eyes. “Anyways. Back to me.”

Harold sighs, like Klaus is an idiot. “You can’t just ask him out.” Klaus frowns at the bottom of his empty cup. When did it get empty?

“Why not?” Ben asks when he notices Klaus has gotten distracted.

“Because that makes it too easy for him! You’re just conveying ‘oh I like you just the way you are.’”

Klaus searches for Dave. He’s twirling a very uncoordinated Eudora around. Damn, Klaus wants to get out there. This conversation is lasting  _ forever _ . “I do like him just the way he is.”

Harold seems frustrated by his answer. Well, breaking news, Klaus knows how to disappoint strangers now too. “You can’t just let someone feel good about themself! It will backfire on you! Every compliment has to be backhanded. Like ‘oh I like your shirt, but I’d like it more if you had prettier hair!’”

Klaus looks at Dave’s hair. So blonde and shiny in the dim light. He wants to touch it.

“That’s psychotic.” Ben tells their new friend. “Do people actually do that?”

Diego snorts. “People who have  _ semi-regular sexual partners _ don’t.” 

Klaus grins at Diego’s use of the label he invented just for his dear sweet brother. How nice. “Well, thanks for nothing.” He tells them, because really they’ve told him nothing and the conversation had really derailed. He’s getting ready to flounce away and steal Dave from Eudora when he notices the boy start to lilt to the side.

☂☂☂

Dave’s head is spinning. And so is the room now that he thinks about it. The lights and the people whizzing around. He closes his eyes, it’s too much.

He reaches out for something to hold on to, he just needs a wall. Or a chair. Something that can give him some stability. He reaches out and finds nothing. 

Dave starts to fall. He resigns himself to it. Prepares for it.

Right before he hits the floor a pair of strong hands grab him. Hoist him back onto his feet. The body that’s pressed against his is familiar. “Klaus?” He mumbles, eyes still closed.

A hot puff of air hits his neck and he feels Klaus’ body shudder slightly with a silent laugh. “The one and only.” Klaus assures him.

Dave smiles and nuzzles into the warmth of the other boy. His nose is in Klaus’ hair so he takes a deep breath. Lavender. And… something citrus-y.

“You smell good.”

“I know.” Klaus starts walking, dragging Dave with him. “C’mon. I think it’s time you go to bed.”

“Mmm.”

They walk up stairs and it takes forever, his feet just aren’t working. Did they used to work? Had he ever walked up stairs before?

“S’loud.” He tells Klaus. The music is blaring. Aren’t people trying to sleep?

Klaus laughs out loud this time. Dave loves the sound of it. He wonders what it would taste like if he swallowed one of Klaus’ laughs. “It’s only 12:30.” The boy informs him, pulling him up another step. “People are still here.”

Finally, they finish the stairs. Klaus starts pulling him down a hallway. “You’re house ’s’too big.” He says between hiccups, crashing into the wall. Klaus just hums and readjusts his hold on Dave’s torso. 

Dave falls onto a bed. It’s soft and smells like Klaus, all lavender and citrus. He spreads out. Basking in the room’s glowing fairy lights. “Okay. I have a trash can.” Klaus tells him and holds up a bin. “Try to puke in here. If you miss it’s no big deal, though. I’ll be back in like… 10 minutes.” Klaus offers him the trash can. 

Dave grabs his wrist instead, and pulls with all his strength. Klaus yelps and falls on top of Dave. For the second time this week, Dave can feel all of Klaus on him. He admires the boy for a moment. His curls are casting strange wispy shadows on his face. It makes a breathtaking contrast. He reaches up and touches the bridge of Klaus’ nose and lets his hand roam free. Caressing the boy’s flushed cheek and smoothing down to his jaw. He’s beautiful. Dave’s fingers itch to paint him. A feeling he hasn’t let himself give into in years.

Would Klaus let himself be painted? He already looks like some personified baroque masterpiece.

He watches Klaus’ eyes flutter shut. His eyelids are a delicious cream under the smudged kohl. Klaus licks his lips, pink tongue darting out to quickly swipe at chapped red lips. The magnetism intensifies and before Dave knows he’s doing it, his lips are pressing against Klaus’.

The kiss lasts for a lifetime. It’s chaste, just his lips touching Klaus’ lightly. Then Klaus is pulling away, at first just pushing onto his elbows, but then climbing off of Dave completely.

He sighs and runs a hand through Dave’s hair. “You’re drunk.”

“You’re…” Dave searches for the words, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. “An oil painting.”

Dave can’t keep his eyes open anymore. Not in the warm glow and soft sheets surrounding him. He’s falling asleep he realizes. He’s not supposed to sleep here is he? Was that his plan?

He feels gentle hands pushing him slightly to arrange him on his side. A warm blanket is tucked around him and he lets himself relax into the feeling of being enveloped.

☂☂☂

Klaus wakes up with a killer headache. 

More accurately: Klaus wakes up with a killer headache because someone is shaking him.

“Klaus. Klaus.” 

Klaus blinks. Taking in the light shining into his room. It’s a soft light, indicating early morning. But it burns horribly. He shuts his eyes. Why the hell is he awake?

“Fuck off, Diego.” He slaps at the hands on his arm, hoping his brother will let him sleep off this throbbing hangover.

“Klaus. It’s Dave.” The voice says and Klaus’ eyes pop back open, light be damned. He sits up, adrenaline spiking. He turns and looks at Dave, relieved to see the boy’s fully clothed and… Klaus looks down. So is he. Phew. Wait, phew? That’s not right - 

“I need to use your phone.” Dave tells him. And maybe Klaus is still drunk but Dave’s eyes are like glowing crystals in the grayish morning light.

“Um.” Klaus says eloquently.

“I need to call my mom.” Klaus nods. Okay. 

He stumbles out of the bed. “This way.” He scratches at the gooey eye makeup he hadn’t scrubbed off last night. Ick. He directs Dave to the phone in the hallway. Does he stay? No, right? That would be like… invading privacy? 

Klaus leaves to get the bottle of advil from Ben’s room. 

☂☂☂

Dave sighs in relief when his mom picks up the phone. “Don’t forget to take your medicine,” he reminds her softly. Not minding her teasing him about being overprotective.

He hangs up the phone. Klaus comes from somewhere behind him and hands him two pills.

“Advil.” 

“Perfect.”

☂☂☂

“You want coffee? Five drank it all but I can make more.” Klaus offers, sitting on the table in the spot in front of where Dave is sitting. The angle gives him a breathtaking view of Klaus’ fine features and long neck.

“Oh, no, that’s okay, I don’t want to impose.”

“No! It’s fine!” Klaus hops down and starts fiddling with the coffee machine. “Do you want breakfast? We have…” He abandons the coffee maker to flit over to the fridge. More graceful than someone who drank all night should be. “... muffins. And eggs.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I’m not hungry.” Dave really would like to go home. His head is pounding and being in the ornate Hargreeves mansion during the day feels weird. It doesn’t help that he’s surrounded by several Hargreeves. All of them but Diego and Allison are sitting at the table, eating various meals in varying levels of hungover.

It looks like Klaus is about to argue with him when they’re interrupted by a very bedraggled Allison sticking her head into the room. Her hair is in disarray and the tracks of salt on her cheeks suggest that she’d been crying. Not to mention the purple bruise on her left cheek from last night.

“Um. Klaus. Can I speak to you?” She asks. Dave feels like he’s intruding. He should go. But the familiar magnetism of Klaus is keeping him in his seat.

Luther stands immediately. “Are you okay?” 

“Is it urgent, Alli?” Klaus whines, ignoring Luther. “I’m playing housewife.” He gestures to Dave. He shifts uncomfortably and hopes no one notices his blush.

“It is. And I really  _ need your help _ .” She spits, apparently losing her patience with her brother. Klaus doesn’t even flinch, Dave has the feeling that Klaus is snapped at a lot.

“I can help you.” Luther offers, stepping closer to the door frame where Allison seems determined to hide. She steps back slightly.

“No, no. I need Klaus. Thanks.” 

“Fine. Fine!” Klaus gives in, hands up in surrender. He starts to walk out before remembering his guest. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge. The yogurts are Diego’s, but he’s not here so it’s a free-for-all.”

☂☂☂

“You want me to what?” He asks, if he were as delicate as he pretends to be he would probably faint. He’s thankful he’s sitting on the toilet seat as it is.

“I’m not saying it again.”

“Why can’t Vanya do it!”

“We both know Vanya won’t do this!” Klaus’ heart breaks a bit when his sister sobs accidentally, immediately wiping at her face. She’s scared, he realizes. And she trusts him to help her with this. He takes a deep breath. He’s going to have to do it.

“...why can’t Mom do this, again?”

“Because Mom would tell Dad.” Klaus nods. Right. Right, right, right. He nods more for himself than for her. She breathes out a shaky sigh and hugs him tight. “Thanks,” she murmurs into his shoulder. He reaches up and pets her hair gently.

“Enjoy this now, after I do it we won’t want to touch for a very long time.” He jokes and is rewarded with a wet laugh and a slap to his arm. 

☂☂☂

Klaus does it. He cries a bit afterwards and washes his hands six times.

☂☂☂

Dave purses his lips. If it was awkward to sit at the Hargreeves’ table before, it’s excruciatingly torturous now that Klaus is gone. Should he say something? He should introduce himself, right? That’s what normal people do when they sit at strangers’ tables.

“Hi, I’m -”

Five cuts him off, “Don’t tell me. It doesn’t matter.” He sips his coffee and looks back at his newspaper.

“Don’t be rude,” Vanya hisses at him. Dave hears a thump under the table.

“Ow!” Five glares at his sister. She glares back. Five turns to Dave. “Fine. I’m sorry. But it’s not like Klaus’ conquests stick around.” He waves a casual hand to indicate Klaus’ sexual history.

Dave feels his face flush at the insinuation.

“Hey, that’s not true,” Luther surprisingly speaks up. “There was that one who made the…” he snaps his fingers, searching for the words.

“Osso bucco.” Ben mutters, eyes closed, seemingly half-asleep. Or really hungover. 

“Yeah, that guy! That lasted a few weeks.” Luther enthuses. “So, who knows. You might stick around too.” Luther smiles at him.

“Oh. Klaus and I haven’t -” He stops himself. “I mean, we aren’t -” he can’t get the words out but the Hargreeves seem to get the idea. Four pairs of wide eyes assess him critically.

“That’s a first,” Luther whispers to Ben.

Across from him, Five stands and leans over the table, hand out. Dave reaches out to shake. “I’m Five.” He says.

“Dave.”

Dave let’s go of the boy’s hand but is startled when the smaller boy only holds on tighter and pulls him close so that the edge of the table is pressing into Dave’s ribs. “I don’t know what Klaus is doing with you.” He mutters, voice low and serious. “But he’s pretty fucked up and if you fuck him up worse I swear, with these assholes as my witnesses, that I will murder you.” 

Dave nods. “Yeah, no, I would never -”

“I’m not finished.” Five interrupts him for the second time. “I will murder you. Then I’ll chop up your corpse into tiny, miniscule pieces and bury them under our floorboards. Edgar Allen Poe style. I’ll use your credit card to buy a plane ticket to New Amsterdam and hire a body double to pretend to be you for the airport cameras. No one will know you’re dead. You will disappear, another teenage runaway fading into the abyss of society.”

The silence sits heavy in the kitchen. Dave’s hand is almost obscenely sweaty in Five’s grasp. Five let’s go and sits back in his chair. 

“Are we clear?” He asks, staring into Dave’s soul. Dave nods. “Great.” Klaus’ brother grins at him with all his teeth and looks back down at his newspaper. “I hope we see you around, Dave.”

☂☂☂

When Klaus comes back down to the kitchen he’s paler than usual.

“What did Allison want?” Vanya asks.

Dave watches the boy as he floats across the room towards him. His eyes are red like he’d been crying just like Allison. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Ben says, concerned. 

“Is Allison okay?” Luther questions his brother, tensing immediately. 

Klaus ignores them all, he looks out of it. He’s doing the thousand-yard stare, the stare of a soldier remembering the horrors of battle. Dave stands and meets him halfway. He reaches out tentatively, before realizing Klaus may not want to be touched right now.

“You okay?” Dave asks quietly. Klaus makes a whole second of eye contact before bending over and puking on Dave’s shoes. 

That’s when Diego and Patch walk in. She makes eye contact with him and mouths  _ “I win.” _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grace isn't like other moms. She's a cool mom.
> 
> If you guess what Allison and Klaus did in the bathroom you win a free ticket to New Amsterdam.  
> Edit: I wanted y'all to guess but the guesses are getting dark. There was no rape or abortion. I would have made trigger warnings for that AND I would have changed the tags.  
> What happened in the bathroom was awful but NOT THAT awful.


End file.
